planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
