I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
The chlamydia really affected his face.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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