does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
