It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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