don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
