Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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