We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
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