just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
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