party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
