You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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