So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
