I got her a Nickelback box set.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize