Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
