I puked a lego.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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