Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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