im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
