We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
