Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
No I am not eating basil off your cock
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
