In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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