how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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