My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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