guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Swine flu. Run for my life!
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Randomize
