got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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