When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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