i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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