sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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