yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
i would punch a child for taco bell
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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