I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
