Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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