So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I supernannyed him into submission
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
