Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
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