So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
