Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
