He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
