I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
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