The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
