...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
