i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
so let's talk penis.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
