I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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