how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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