Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
i've created a new STD.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Randomize
