I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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