She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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