New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
