He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
