you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Randomize
