those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
