Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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