Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Help. Why am I so naked?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
