Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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