3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
