I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
