Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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