I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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