I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
