I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
