In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
