from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
