The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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