It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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