hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize