Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
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