My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
