I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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