I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize