what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
She told me I should be a condom model.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
