The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
