I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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