I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
